Holiday Eating Tips 2008

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door where they're serving rum balls. The same rule applies to broccoli, unless it has been cooked with cheese sauce or otherwise made "holiday-appropriate".

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat....have one for me. It's later than you think. It's Christmas. You don't like eggnog? Try pumpkin pie spice eggnog. Either works in this instance.

3. If something comes with gravy, eat it. That's the whole point of gravy. But remember, gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.

4. As for mashed potatoes, alway ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. The same approach should be applied to the use of butter. If it was made with margarine, pass.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.......Hello!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, or Kelly Sue's cupcakes, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a mis-marked, discounted first edition of a rare book. If you leave it behind, you're never going to see it again. Even if you try to hide it behind biographies of Paris Hilton.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? NOTE: Ala mode or Cool Whip decisions are left up to you. No standard rules apply here.

9. Oh, did someone mention fruitcake? Granted it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read these tips and start over. But hurry, January is just around the corner.

11. Don't drink too much. Sobriety is the key to eating all the good stuff before the drunks get to it.

12. It's rude to bring your own Tupperware to take home leftovers. Give it as a hostess gift with a note that says, "Perfect for leftovers!" If they don't take the hint, use the Ziplock bags you've hidden in your pockets.

13. Final Tip: Enjoy yourself as if this Christmas were your last. In fact, live each day as if it were your last. That way, you won't be disappointed when its all over.

Much love and Merry Christmas to all.

P.S. Thank you, Jennifer Francis for the original. Love ya.